Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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