2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
