google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
