i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
