It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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