I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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