Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
A bitchslap is in order.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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