Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
