So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
