You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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