I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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