dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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