ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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