Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
