you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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