Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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