if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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