great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
