Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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