I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I understand Curling. That high.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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