All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I enjoy the company of your penis
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
