This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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