yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We are all done wearing pants today
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
