He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
