he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is it because I queefed?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
