An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize