I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I would fuck him just for his dog
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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