Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He better not be in your backpack
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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