11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
