I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
