If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
