just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
