i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
