Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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