I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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