addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
