1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
