If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
