OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
