It's like God shit irony all over that family
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
