o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
