Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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