I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
whose parrot is this?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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