And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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