i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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