Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I deserve this hangover.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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