It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
