It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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