this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
