He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
