the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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