remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize