so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
