why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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