Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
