I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
