she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
