My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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