Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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