You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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